Time in a bottle

I am having so much fun being a mama. Cliche or not, this time in my life is just so rewarding. It can seem horribly stressful and oh-so-dramatically frustrating to have 3 under 4 years old, but Man, when it's good, it's goooood! So, here's a snapshot of how I'd like to remember this time. Idyllic, ain't it?

RDI update

Many of you have asked how things are going with Ben and RDI. I've been kind of stuck searching for a direct answer for that question. I'm fairly sure most people would just like to hear "great!" or "doing fine!" as a reply, but that would be a silly expectation when the person you've asked is ME.

There are stages in RDI. Ben is in Stage 1. This might be helpful information if development happened in a vacuum and progressed strictly linearly without other details mucking up the water. As with most kids on the Spectrum, Ben has "splinter skills"--things he's really good at and are developmentally appropriate (or above) for his age--right there along with his deficits. It makes chronological, linear progression sort of difficult to assess. And, you know what? I *like* that!

This is not a "one size fits all" deal here. RDI helps us help BEN. With all the detail-mucking bits and pieces and a couple of siblings thrown in for fun. It's really been a mind-shifting sort of experience for Mark and I. And it continues. We're learning to talk less and listen more--being *mindful* of each moment and slowing down to appreciate, evaluate, give opportunities.

Okay, here's an example of something we're...I don't want to say "working on", as it's not like an isolated 'skill'...let's say "giving focus to". 'Eye contact' is something many traditional therapies for children with autism have as a big number one goal. And many children with autism can learn/be trained to give eye contact when requested ("look at me" "eyes on me") and some even can learn which social contexts require eye contact and will do it at the appropriate times. What most of these children will *not* learn by meeting this skill specific goal, is WHY people look at each other when they interact.

RDI examines this in a much deeper, more meaningful way. It recognizes and appreciates the important piece of eye contact is not the act of looking, but the art of connecting. Dr. Gutstein calls it "experience sharing". Looking at others' faces is not just 'polite' or part of social conventions, it provides INFORMATION. It conveys agreement, disagreement, surprise, joy, anger, wonder, sympathy, interest, determination, distaste, silliness, affection, love etc. etc. etc. Knowing the names of these emotions is not important, though. The important part is that by looking at each other (RDI calls this "referencing"), we can connect.

So, Mark and I provide as many opportunities for Ben to reference us for information as we can think of. Ben's a great helper and loves to do "grown up" jobs like sorting the laundry, putting away the dishes, etc. He also loves turn-taking, one-on-one games. These have turned out to be excellent times for us to *stop talking* (hard for me!) and provide information through our faces and/or body language. So, instead of saying "not there" when Ben tries to put the sock in the shirt pile, I might gasp, wave my hand, or shake my head vigorously so he'll check out my face for more information. I might pause mid-sentence or start to stutter as another way to invite a look. Mark has this whole non-verbal routine down with Ben turning on and off the water for him while he shaves. It has been amazing. Without any direct 'teaching' of this, Ben has figured out the value of eye contact and social referencing!

We are simultaneously "giving focus to" several different goals other than experience sharing and social referencing with our complex little dude. And each goal builds on the others, of course. So, Ben will eventually understand how to regain someone's attention, reestablish a connection that's lost, repair a conversation breakdown, and other subtleties of interaction that we all take for granted. And all we're doing is providing the opportunities and environment for his brain to take it in. It sounds so simple, and according to our consultant, it's something we've been doing naturally all along, but there is worth in KNOWING and really understanding the innards of why and how. Learning it together has been really good for Mark and I, and having a common "language" to talk about it is something I hadn't expected to be so valuable.

We're at the very beginning of this journey, of course, with a long road ahead, but so far, we're really enjoying it. And it ought to be that way, don't you think? Parenting mindfully *and* joyfully?--um, yeah, keep me signed me up for that.

A farewell

Goodbye, Dear Friend.
Dennis R. Rich
February 11, 1971-April 1, 2008

So loved and missed.
May perpetual light shine upon you.

Dennis' blog